Thursday, October 27, 2011

and waking up from the nightmare.

I've had some private comments about my last post, because yes, the girl was me, and yes, that is what really happened.
One of the things, anyway.

Many of the commenters (most of whom are related to me) were concerned about me being so public with that story, and some were hopeful that in some way, it might allow me to heal or move on.

I rang my sister the day after I published, to see what she thought, if I'd crossed a line, and she said that hadn't even occurred to her. She only thought how bizarre it is that we used to think of that as our normal lives, and how amazing it is that we all grew up to be normal, functioning people.

Neither of us think that we're 'stuck' in the past, but obviously it has had an effect on us.

I wrote the story to get it out of me; I published it because for the whole of my life, I've been ashamed of where I came from, and even of who I was.

No more!

I didn't DO those things, I didn't CAUSE them, and I'm not going to bear the weight of that shame any longer.
This is where I've put it down, and this is where it's staying.


  1. NEVER be ashamed of your past .... it has made you the WONDERFUL, CARING, person that you are today !!!!!!!

  2. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about things that happedened in your past, which you had no control over. Just be proud of who you are in the present and hopeful about who you'll be in the future.

  3. You should never have to live in shame, especially someone else's shame.

    And I feel bad raising my voice in front of my son...

  4. Some things just need writing out. I'm glad you did. x

  5. I won't lie - I felt sick reading it.
    And I knew it wasn't fiction.
    Wished it was, knew it wasn't.

    There are parts of my upbringing (and genetics) that scare the hell out of me. I don't want to tell people (even the love of my life) for fear of being branded or tarnished by it - or for fear of my actions being judged in the context of my past.

    You are brave and wonderful.

  6. The commenters above me have all written what I would have said, so I'll just ((hug))

  7. I'm not gonna lie to you, girls -- the comments being made here and on my last post are making me cry, in a good way.

    Thankyou ALL.

  8. This is why blogs are full of win. You have somewhere to put things...and we can all make connections, even from the other side of the world. You had me almost living those moments with you in the previous post. All love to you xx

  9. Oh Toni, I wish your last post was a work of fiction. I am sorry that that's what your childhood was. But none of it was your fault, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. To come out the other side of that childhood to become the person you are now, speaks volume about your inner strength.
    Easier said than done though - my childhood seems to be repeating in my parents house and I feel this nausea and shame I grew up with coming flooding back. I don't feel I can even write about it on my blog because my parents read it.
    I hope telling your story here, helps with healing and the letting go of someone else's shame.
    G xx


Hey, thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I love to hear what you have to say even if you disagree with me. I have only one request -- please keep it polite.