Friday, October 14, 2011

blood and bones and what are friends for?

Remember that kerfuffle when Angie said she had Billy Bobs' blood in a necklace around her neck, and people got all snarky and said she was a freak and the blood was a bio-hazard?

I thought it was amazingly romantic (if mis-guided -- I mean, Brad, yes, but BILLY BOB??)

Anyway, I was thinking about this one night in bed, and I was also thinking about bones.

Bones are cool.

The most ordinary, everyday human beings' skeleton is a marvel of engineering and architecture, and yet we take them for granted until we develop a bad back or sprain an ankle.
Look how beautifully we are supported, cantilevered, and balanced, just so we can do something as ordinary and humdrum as walking to the laundry with a basket of dirty clothes on our hip.

I love bones.


I had an epiphany. Which, of course, I had to share with Fabio.

me: Honey! when you die, can I have one of your bones?

Silence. Then he put down his book and slowly turned his head to look at me.

Fabio: what. the fuck. for?

me: so I can hang it round my neck on a chain.

Then, I see concern in his eyes and I think maybe he's worried about the weight of his skull or one of his thigh bones hanging round my scrawny neck so I quickly add

"Just a little one. A finger bone or a toe bone."
(the end finger bones are properly called 'distal phalanges' -- you're welcome)

There is a long silence.

F: No.

me: why NOT?? you won't be needing them.

F: just.... no. My God, you are the weirdest wife I've ever owned. Am I going to have to post guards around my coffin????


Fast forward to the other day, when I repeated this conversation to my BFF. Who IMMEDIATELY offered to help, by distracting everyone with a hysterical fit, while I whip out the shears and nip off a finger.

See, THAT'S what best friends are for.

disclaimer: just because, you know, it's the Internets -- I am NOT planning to harvest anything off my husband, dead or alive. Don't report me to anyone or give me well meaning advice. {{Unless you're going to help.}}


  1. You have gone all Ange on us and now I don't know whether your lips are real or not. x

  2. I knew that fingertips are distal phalanges - I watch Bones on TV, so ha ha.

    Now what about this "you're the weirdest wife I've ever owned"?
    How many wives has Fabio "owned"?

    I actually don't think it's at all weird to want to keep a little something, after all, lots of people have urns with ashes in them on their mantelpieces.

  3. @ River -- he's had two and he definitely owns me, though as I also own him it works for us.

    @MM -- I would die happy if I had Anges' lips, fake or no. Mine are thin and droop down at the corners. Like my boobs.

  4. Oh my goodness, I have tears in my eyes! Poor Fabio! ;)

  5. Shar, don't panic, your distal phalanges are very safe. From me, at least.

    And Kellie, he gives as good as he gets, don't worry.

  6. Geez you crack me up woman. that is the funniest thing i've read for a long time.

  7. I can SO hear Jules saying 'What. the fuck. for." pmsl....

  8. I would do this too! If you're for real! (Even if you're not!)

  9. Oh, I'm for real, I actually think it would be really cool, however the Nannies and Do-Gooders have put a stop to that kind of thing. We weren't even allowed to keep the popcorn kernel that was removed from my daughters' ear (we wanted to take it home and smash it up with a hammer)

  10. Far out, Toni. Is this for reals? It's so utterly bizarre that it's almost okay...

    The blood thing was just bizarre, btw. Talk about attention seeking!!! x


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