Sunday, September 2, 2012

say WHAT???

I am not meant to be thinking about my 50th birthday party.

In my head, I'm somewhere between 32 and 35. I know people who wish they were back in their 20s, but that's not me at all. I had my head up my arse in my 20s, I was a miserable stoner and had no appreciation of my life or the people in it.

But my 30s were pretty cool. My 40s haven't been bad, mind -- it's just that they're bringing me ever closer to


FIFTY, people. Freakin FIFTY.

How do you get your head round that?

Look, if you're 50 plus, and fine with it, good on ya. I'm so so happy for you, here's a balloon, go away.
Because it is freaking me the fuck out.

It isn't even that actual age that's doing me in -- it's just the constant reminder of my mortality.
And not just mine, but my husbands' too.

In the last few months -- well, since April -- I've had 3 friends diagnosed with breast cancer, several who've lost parents, and two who've had possible hideous disfiguring cancers.

I keep being reminded -- I could DIE. Like, really, DIE. And be GONE. FOREVER.

How could the world keep going without me in it?

I know. I know. Totally narcissistic. But, really? how could it?


  1. RELAX Toni ..... by the time you ACTUALLY get to "50" you will 'have your head around it' and .. for me .. life in my '""50's"" has been BLOODY TERRIFIC .. so far ...... BUT .... I agree with you on the 'hubby' thing ... mine will be """"60"""" in 4 years time .... NOW THAT IS FREAKIN ME OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. I got so sick of people asking (prematurely) what kind of party my 50th would be that I've decided to do some totally life affirming thing instead like climb Mt Kosciuszko, for example!!

    And KNOWING that the world wouldn't keep going without me was VERY helpful for overcoming fear of flying!!!

  3. Thanks for the balloon! Bye now...


Hey, thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I love to hear what you have to say even if you disagree with me. I have only one request -- please keep it polite.