Imagine having this

suddenly obscuring your vision.

Now imagine that every line in that zigzaggy bastard is flashing in different colours, and that around the edges of the whole thing is a blind spot.
And imagine that the whole thing is growing larger, moving from a tiny spot in the middle of your field of vision, till it occupies your entire peripheral vision.

I hate these damn things. But OH MY GOD I'm so grateful I don't get the accompanying migraines.

just kids

Today, a massive parcel arrived, full of the winter clothes I ordered for my kiddies last week.

My son nodded at each item, then threw them all on his desk and went off to play with his mates.
My daughter shrieked with delight, examined each item with care, discussing which piece could be worn with what, and has spent the last 6 hours trying them all on, in combination with each other and every other item in her wardrobe.

Now, I don't do product reviews.

{Well, I did one -- for a vibrator, which scandalised my sister but delighted my husband no end. That was the first and last though, I've never been invited to do another. Clearly I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.}

This, however, is a bit of a plug for this kids' clothes company. I've been buying from JK for years now, and I've never had a single hiccup.
Their clothes are well-priced, and well-made. They size generously, and my kids have had 2 years wear out of some items. I've never seen a seam unravel or a button fall off.

AND -- best of all -- my daughter doesn't look like a mini pole-dancer or a walking advertisement for Barbie.

I'm recommending them because I know how good their service has been over the last 5 years or so, and because I know how many mums are fed-up with what's on offer in some of the stores around the country. Check em out.

cookbooks and chaos

A Facebook conversation with the lovely Allison from Life in a Pink Fibro this morning made me think about my cookbook addiction.

I used to keep my cookbooks and recipes in a drawer, then on a shelf. Now they have progressed to the point where they have their own cupboard, except for the 'good' ones which are on display on a kitchen bench. This is an attempt to fool people into thinking I'm a Good Mum who whips up delicious treats for the kids and serves gourmet meals every night.

The truth is, I hardly ever cook anymore. We live on pasgetti, bangers n mash, and ribs and salad.

Because I have two children, who view new foods with suspicion, and greet onion and garlic with outright horror. Plus my husband is hardly ever home. And when he is, we're in such a whirlwind of activity, I don't have time to really cook.

I have a recipe for a gourmet meat pie that takes hours to prepare. I used to serve it with bacon-wrapped green bean bundles and caramellised baby onions. Now I fling a Mrs Macs in the oven and fry up a hash brown.

One day, I hope my kids will enjoy real food as much as I do. In the meantime, I'll watch MasterChef and Heston, and buy cookbooks and drool over websites and Nigella, and dream of the day when I can once again pretend to be hosting my very own cooking program.

What about you? do you collect cookbooks but never use them? and have you EVER pretended you were hosting a cooking show? please don't leave me hanging in the wind, here....

I DO love a good frock. And I'm not a Logies watcher, but I do love to have stickybeak at what the Girls are Wearing.

And could you get better than this?

Isn't Asher Keddie beautiful? I've only seen her as Ita, so I don't know the other stuff she's been in, but she was a fantastic Ita!!

And this dress is just gorgeous.

How to survive the holidays.

1. WASHING
do all the school uniforms on day one. Make sure they're washed, dried, mended, folded and put away before dinnertime.
Now keep the kids in the same pair of pyjamas for the rest of the holidays. (a daily change of undies and socks will be required).
Wash all the socks and undies on the last day of the holidays.

NOTE: this will only work if you don't have to go anywhere. If you have to go somewhere, see step 4.

2. DISHES
paper plates.

3. TIDYING ROOMS
Rule 1 is that every time the words "I'm bored" or "She's BREATHING on me!" or "That's MINE!" are uttered, all the children have to go pick up and put away 10 items.
Rule 2 is that apart from tidying, and sleeping, the children must play outside, on a 3 feet square piece of driveway, with one rubber ball, all day.
If it's raining, so much the better. Throw them a bar of soap.

4. CHILDMINDING
Arrange to have a friends' kids one day, while they have yours the next.
Make sure your kids go to the friends' first. When it's your turn to reciprocate, say your kids have headlice. Glare at the other parent as though it's her fault.

NOTE: make sure you arrange this with a different friend each time.

5. COOKING
teach the children to make Vegemite sandwiches. Let them eat all the sourgrass they can find. If anyone queries this, say the children are going for a cooking/foraging badge at Scouts.

NOTE: make sure the kids know some version of dib-dib-dob and can throw gang signs that look like Scout signals.

Using these handy tips may help you get through the holidays. If not, please address all complaints to your husband. It's his fault, too.

cranky pants

Everyone around me seems to have the crankies at the moment. Not just my kids (who I think need their dad at home more) but people on Facebook, as well.
I'm actually happy that for once it's not me, because I'm usually the Cranky Cat Lady (minus cats).

My turn is coming, though. PMS will be running my brain any day now, and I will alternate between livid fury and deep depression.

I can hardly wait.

this is just not working.

Hilary Rosen, a political consultant who advises the Democratic National Committee, questioned on CNN Wednesday night whether Ann Romney understands the economic issues facing women.

”His wife has actually never worked a day in her life,” Rosen said on Anderson Cooper’s “AC360” show.

Well, here's what she's been doing instead of 'working'.

Yes, count them. FIVE boys.

You know what? if you want to work a job and have a career as well as a family, good for you. I'm cheering for you. You have a hard road to walk, and I'm not gonna make it harder.
If you work out of financial necessity, I sympathise. It must be really hard to juggle a family and a job, when you just want to be at home.

Me, I'm in a fortunate position where I don't have to work a job, so I can stay at home all day and do nothing.

Happily for us, my housework does itself. I don't have to make beds, pick up toys, wash sheets or dishes or floors. The garden tidies itself and the dogs take themselves for a walk and put themselves away at night.
The dinners hop happily into the oven after assembling themselves, and I'm fortunate to have a self-cleaning kitchen.

The kids magically get themselves to school, do their homework instantly and never need help, and take themselves off to karate and swimming. They practise with no nagging, never fight, tidy their own rooms, and take a bath without prompting.
They never get sick, never throw up all through their bed, the lounge-room carpet, or the car. They've never needed visits to the doctor, or tablets given every 2 hours with food, for 72 hours straight.

They have impeccable manners, avoid bad words and know how to share, and have never once needed to be reminded not to poke a knife in the power point or run onto the road without looking.
Gosh, they're so quiet and well-behaved I barely know they're here.

I'm also blessed to have a husband who pretty much looks after himself. I never need to find his adjustable chromium hickelberry spanner, cut his hair, or ferry him around while his car is being fixed.
He knows how to use everything on his computer, massages his own aching feet, and can always find his car keys.

We have never had one bill that frightened us, never had to cut corners or go without to get the rent paid.
My shopping runs through the checkout with no sick little clutch in the guts hoping I have enough to pay for it, and I've never had to say 'no' to a school excursion or new calculator because I couldn't afford it. Luckily! because, you know, seeing as how I've never worked a day in my life, I wouldn't know anything about financial pressures or the economic pressures women are under.

***

Ann Romneys' son tweeted

“@AnnDRomney is one of the smartest, hardest working woman (sic) I know. Could have done anything with her life, chose to raise me.”

GOOD FOR YOU, JOSH!!! on behalf of all us mums who've 'never worked a day in their lives', THANKYOU. Your mum must be so goddamn proud of the job she's done.

truth and consequences

People are tricky. You know?

Have you ever tried to do the right thing, and it ended up to be the wrong thing, and then you had a ton of crap dropped on you? But deep down, you knew that no matter what you did, it was always gonna be the Wrong Thing anyway?

Of course you did. You're human. And dealing with Other Humans is just plain bloody hard at times.

Here's a Big Revelation.

I'm Not Perfect.

I didn't actually get a manual on how to do everything right, every time. If I had, I would have READ IT!!

I'm just muddling through life as best I can, I'm as ignorant and clueless as everybody else, and I fuck up. Often.


Here's the thing. I don't usually WANT to, though.

(There is a list of people that I DO want to screw over, if possible. It's really short. There are two people on it. YOU aren't either of them, I bet. I'm pretty sure that if you're thinking "OOH, is it me?" it's not. Both those people would know, for sure.)

The whole problem with people, as best I can figure out, is that we all have glasses on. Like Perception Filters. We see what we want to see.

If you want to see someone's efforts at a Good Deed as evil, you will, no matter what they do.

If you want to see the best in people, and believe in them, you will. No matter what they do.

Me, I don't want to see the bad. I'm not naive, I know it's there, but basically I like to think that everyone has reasons for the things they do, and that mostly we're all just trying to get by.

As you grow older, and you grow up, you start to realise that you're not perfect yourself, and so you're hardly in any position to expect anyone else to be.

Obviously, I can't say what's going on here, not the specifics, anyway. I'm just over being painted as A Bad Person, when I'm no badder than anyone else, and considerably better than many.

Just please, if you're a praying person, which I'm not anymore, pray that the truth gets seen for what it is.

Because I'm done with fighting it. It hurts too much.

Chisel and self-doubt.....

So, Fabio and I had a major barney a while back, about Easter.
Turns out he had absentmindedly arranged for us to go to Perth for a Cold Chisel concert for Saturday night, and we (I) had to do some re-shuffling of plans and expectations which never goes down well.

Plus I don't even like Chisel. Never have.

Plus there were going to be a bunch of Wives present, only one of whom I'd met, and I was extremely worried that I would (again) make an idiot of myself by doing something stupid (possible) or saying something even stupider (probable).

However, and on the other hand, Husband. Rarely asks me to do anything I don't want to, asked me to do this for him.

So we packed up the kids Sat morning and off we went.

Long drive.

Are we there yet?

Finally arrived at our friends' house, got the kids settled, got dressed, girded loins, and set out to The Do.
Handily forgetting the camera, so you'll have to imagine all this part.

We met up with The Wives (and their assorted men) at a pub, and of course they were all gorgeous (The Wives)and I felt like a frump, and then we all got chatting and learned a bit about each other, and they were still all gorgeous, but I realised something-- these women were people, just like me!!
All of them had been a bit unsure about meeting up, and all of us were really enjoying ourselves!

Yes, yes, there may have been wine and margaritas involved, but we were actually having a good time talking, and I have no idea why, as women, we get so intimidated by each other.

Do we have like an Ideal Woman Pattern in our heads, that we expect others will think we should live up to? or is that just me?

Anyway, we went to the Chisel do in a limo, and it was OK, and if Fabio asks me to do another one of these things, I'll be more than happy to meet up with those girls again! Maybe not at another Chisel concert though.
Maybe we'd just sit in the limo next time, and have ourselves a little party!