Saturday, January 26, 2013

d is for devastated

Imagine if your heart felt like this:


We got news last week that the house we've been renting has been sold.

This is the house I've loved and invested in emotionally for the last 2 1/2 years, and I can't describe to you how I've been feeling.

It's all a ball of mixed-up emotions -- grief at the loss of my dream, to one day own this house; anger and frustration that I can't have what so many seem to have so effortlessly (a home of my own); fear of not knowing what lies ahead; dreading having to pack AGAIN; reluctance to weigh my poor husband down with my dramas; guilt at doing it anyway............
........ it just went on and on.

We finally secured a house and paid the deposit on it yesterday, but the rent is massive, and that's added another level of worry on top. We CAN do it but my husband is not happy about it.

I am still depressed, crying and not able to stop myself, and I'm sick of wanting to be strong, and failing.

I know that life will go on, that I'll settle into the new place, and that despite promising myself that I will never again emotionally invest in a house that's not mine, I know I probably will. I can't help myself. It's the deepest longing of my heart, and I'm powerless to do anything about that. I want the security of knowing I need never move again except by choice, that I need never uproot myself again.

It is said that women flourish from the home, and that is definitely true of me. I can't truly flourish until I'm settled. And I can't be settled until I know I am there to stay. Until I'm planted.

P.S. I'm closing comments on this post. I can't take any platitudes.