Thursday, December 29, 2011

sticks and stones and words and bones

He uses words like weapons.

To bludgeon, cudgel, batter, and bruise, and leave you dazed.

With the skill and delicacy of an assassin, the thinnest of blades that slides through the cage you've built around your heart and leaves almost no visible mark, so that no-one sees what he's done.

With poison, venomous, scalding, acidic, that leaves you sick and burnt.

He has been like this since he was tiny. And it's always been me who has borne the worst of it.

I don't know why. Is it because I'm the one who stays? The one who loves him no matter what, the one who swallows the hurt and tries to mend what he's so thoughtlessly smashed?

Because I have. And I do. And I will.

Once, when he was younger, I would retaliate. Mostly in anger, sometimes in self-defence. I've lashed out, physically, verbally, I'm no angel. Just a human, failing. Flailing.

Now, my only defense is retreat. I wait, I heal, I try again.

He's my son. What else can I do?

6 comments:

  1. Hope the new year finds a happy resolution xx

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  2. What else indeed?
    I can only hope that time will calm him down, for your sake as much as his own.
    It's hard to hear such things from your son.

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  3. Oh Toni, I'm so sorry.

    I think the unconditional love could be why it continues, but you're right, what else can you do?

    I hope that one day soon, he calms down, and sees your love for him for what it is, and values it.

    xx

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  4. My brother is the same. I've retreated from him this time since April and not sure if we will be able to mend things again. I don't understand how people can say things and not realize how deeply they cut.

    I healed from a lot of my verbal abusers (step-dad, brother, ex-husbands, dad's girlfriend) by writing about them and publishing it ~ "My Best Friends Have Hairy Legs" ~ under a pen name.

    But there are times when the scars from their words still burn.

    Wishing you peace, healing, and love in the New Year.

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  5. thankyou chik, Romina, River and Georgia.

    and Cindi, thanks for sharing your story and for the wishes. I hope the same for you.

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xx